check, check and check

So yesterday the classic event happened.  Traded really heavily.  Paper profits reached as high as 40% of my account. The leverage was ratcheted up as high as I could get it.  I knew I didn't need to do anything more for the day.  My gradual recovery of one account was well underway.  The other account had taken a hit, but with the blessing of over-trading and over-leverage it was looking sweet.

Totally crushed the ASX during the decline.  Banked enough to be over 20% up overall, but more like 30% from the previous day.

Yeah! I rock the account churn like noone else you ever met!  Up 50% down 75% up 20% down 50%!  Fucking hey!

So I am sitting comfortably on a nice 20%, thinking to myself "that's enough for today. I got kids to watch out for.  A missus that suspects something is up.  A pile of stresses from work and relatives."  Every rational and logical thing was pointing me toward taking a break.  You can have one guess about what I actually did.

If you would have said someting along the lines of "Fucked it!"  you would be correct.  Higher risk, lower probability trades, and especially after doing E-Fucking-NOUGH for the day, should  have meant playing with small amounts.  NAH!  Totally threw 8 units of CAC on and off six time in a row. Every single one of those trades make about 3% and each and every time I looked at that number:
First thought:  I shoiuld bank that.
Followed quickly by:
Second thought: I did have a paper profit of 40%, that isn't going to be enough, just a couple ticks more.

Of course what then happens is the trend I was trying to fight would continue and I would find myself at the point of pain and jump out.
It wasn't the set-ups I was seeing that was the problem.  IT wasn't that the moves weren't enough to make bread and butter with, it was my attitude and need for thrill.  The drug fueled maniac wanted another hit.  The home-body family man wanted out.

So Mr Drug-head got himself a big psychological hammer and beat Mr Family a few times till he got big mad enough to throttle Mr Drug-head and take control again.

I think this has the potential to be a big problem for me.
I don't want it to stop.
I know where it does stop on one hand - smashed account.

So I did something a little bit sensible.  Not closing accounts and calling it quits, 'cause that would be quitting.  I lowered my account leverage.

A small step.  Can only carry 4 units of ASX and 3 of CAC.  But it's half of where I was.
If I can just control the need to be in the market every time I look at it.  I'll be a step closer still.

I think Angel should read this.

I find it so hard to speak to someone, but I can write shit to the internet with ease.