drugs

I want them again.  More than ever.

People at work giving me stress.  Don't want it, or need it.  So instead I stress myself out in another completely different way, by over trading and over leverage.  Was carrying 6 units on the CAC this evening.  For some context, 1 is enough to wipe my account on a bad move.  Totally was a thrill to watch the fucker go against me for nearly an hour.  By the time it went where I thought it would, I was tired and starting to get the shakes from adrenalin decline.  I can blame the cold instead.  Got a hot water bottle to prove it!

Didn't need that trade, could have happily left everything alone after the first of the day.  But, like anything I get addicted to - I gotta have more!

The struggle isn't with finding good trades, or doing the safe and reasonable thing.

The struggle is the conflict between the safe and the interesting.  I like interesting, it gives my brain something to mull over.  But to actually make money from this ridiculous thing requires that I don't get the thrill.  Play the strong hand and let the rest fold.

It's basically a numbers game. Find the edge (an/any) and play that over and over.  Provided there is something genuine about that edge, probability will work in your favour.  However, doing something thrilling and fun after each edge trade only ends up churning my account.

Do more of one and less of the other.

But, as the rush starts to subside, I'll open the platform and look again... I know I shouldn't.  No more tonight. But it's a matter of wait and see.  Inside is that voracious being that always want one more hit.